Call Me Crazy

I’ve been thinking a lot about my break-up lately.

I don’t really know if it can be called a true break-up, considering there were no parting words.
There was no yelling, no cursing, no name calling, no hysterical crying… Well, maybe I did a lot of that alone in my bedroom, shower and car, but he wasn’t around to witness it all.

The last time I saw my ex-boyfriend’s face was Monday, June 26, 2006. He had come to help me drive my youngest son Rick to camp.
From the moment he arrived I knew things were over between us and when we made love that last time, it was like he wasn’t even in the same room or bed with me.
I had lost him.
The day after he left, I uncovered his lies and decided that I couldn’t take the heartbreak anymore.
I changed my cell and home phone numbers and blocked him from emailing me. I couldn’t handle anymore lies or deceit.
I packed up any belongings that he’d left at my house, along with our photo albums and anything else of sentimental value and shipped them to him, next day delivery… on HIS Fedex account.

I’ve often wondered if I will ever be able to fully and completely give my heart to a man again. I’ve even questioned if he destroyed my ability to love.

Five years have passed and I still think of him. It’s not every day, but sometimes there are little reminders of the special moments that we shared.

I used to joke that the quickest way to get over a man is under another one.

After my heartbreak I decided to live my life like a man… I was going to start dating and sleeping with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted and wasn’t going to give a damn.

I learned though that I was playing myself.
The “no strings attached” lifestyle was not for me. I was lying to the men I was seeing and most importantly, lying to myself.

Shortly after the breakup, I met Luke Skywalker.
He told me from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and I acted like the nerdy, wannabe kid in school, trying to pretend that I was cool and could hang with the big boys.
“Oh, no… I’m not looking for a relationship either”, I lied.
Although I didn’t really know it was a lie at the time. I told that same fib for another three years.

I held on to hope that Luke would see the light and realize I was the best thing since the Wonderbra, but that didn’t happen. After a turbulent, off and on five years with Luke, I finally gave up on him just this spring.

There was also Deputy Dan, whom I met September 22, 2007.
I remember the date because ironically, we met while I was attending the birthday party of the Corporate Thug, whom I had also lied to and said that I wasn’t looking for a serious thing and that I was a “big girl”.

I met the Corporate Thug shortly after starting my new job. He had just opened a new business and told me from the get-go that he wasn’t interested in settling down anytime soon.
Deputy Dan was also a believer in being friends with benefits because he had only been divorced for a little over a year. The problem with Deputy Dan was that he had been in a relationship for so long that he didn’t know how to do anything BUT relationship things. He shoveled my walkway, fixed my flat tire, took me to lunch, took me out on my birthday and gave me flowers. We had sleepovers and would cuddle in bed, watching football.
So when he suddenly remembered that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, it hit me hard.

A couple of very close friends are currently going through the healing process after devastating break-ups and I think that’s probably what’s had me thinking about my love life, or lack thereof.
I feel like I’ve been chasing men for the past five years.
In all my years on this earth I can’t recall too many times where I’ve chased a boy or a man.
Even when I was a little girl and the little nasty boys wanted to play “hide and go get it”, I always walked away or sat and watched all the little girls desperately running after the horny boys and laughed.
At nine years old I had enough pride to not run behind a boy.

“You haven’t been doing any chasing”, William assured.

“Since Darren and I broke up I’ve been unlucky in love. Luke, Thug and Deputy Dan”, I listed.

“Those are just three men you’ve dealt with over the past five years, but you’ve written more ‘Dear John’ letters than anyone I know “, William teased.

William started listing names of men that I’ve had to let down gently over the past two or three years.

I started to laugh, because he had a point and it made me feel just a little bit better that maybe I’m not some desperate little girl chasing boys on the playground.

“You just didn’t like them as much as you liked The Big Three”, He said.

“Yeah, but they had issues”, I noted.

“Luke, Deputy Dan and the Corporate Thug had issues too”, William countered.

“No… they’re just commitmentphobes, those other guys had ISSUES”, I laughed, putting an emphasis on the word, issue.

“Maybe that’s it! Maybe you’re attracted to unattainable men!”

“That’s not it at all… I don’t just look at a man and say, ‘He looks like he wants to be friends with benefits and play with my emotions, Yup that’s just what I’m looking for’. I can’t tell that he’s emotionally unavailable. It’s not like he has a stamp on his forehead.”

I’m not sure if it was Albert Einstein or Benjamin Franklin that said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”, but I’m wondering if maybe I’m a little ‘touched’ because I seem to be running into the same old wall over and over again like a windup toy, banging my head like I don’t have any sense.

One of The Big Three has come back into my life again and I’m wondering if I’m crazy to even give him another chance.
Am I going into this again expecting a different result?
He knows how I feel about him and he knows that there’s no special benefit package with this ‘friendship’ that he’s trying to rekindle. I don’t want to be his friend; I want more and he knows it.

I keep thinking of that scene from ‘Brown Sugar’ that makes all of our hearts melt, when Dre calls Sidney at the radio station and professes his love for her by saying that he doesn’t want to be her friend anymore.

I WANT THAT!

I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay with being friends, I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay with him getting in relationships with other women, but I certainly don’t want to be his consolation prize. I’m tired of him playing with my emotions!

I want to be Sidney and I want him to be Dre and I want him to tell me that from the moment I sat down next to him that he knew we would be together!
I’m not going to chase him and I’m not going to let him have his cake and eat it too. It’s either all of me or nothing and I hope he chooses wisely.
Call me crazy.