Flipping the Script

The last time I saw Mr. Goodbar, we shared a wonderfully romantic evening.
That was eight months ago.
He has been caught up in a personal case that has consumed his life and most of his time.
When everything exploded, my heart broke for Mr. Goodbar because it turned his world upside down and ended his career.
I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t there. There are two sides to every story and I’ve only heard his. All I know is what I have personally experienced and that is of a man who is loving, caring, compassionate, supportive and extremely devoted to his family, friends and his job.

On the surface, Mr. Goodbar may look foreboding and intimidating.
He is tall, with very strong features and has a booming Barry White baritone, laced with a New York accent.
I love a Black man in a suit; especially when he knows how to put it together and carries himself with confidence and swag. That’s Mr. Goodbar; a whole lot of chocolate, in a designer suit!

When we met, I didn’t really know what road our relationship would take. We live in two different cities, several hours away. His career path is set in a different direction than mine and there would be no way he’d relocate to my area. I own my own home (which I worked hard to get) and I have no intention of leaving it anytime soon.
I also have a teenage son finishing up high school, so I’m really not planning on any major life changes in the near future. There really was no clear definition of what type of relationship he and I had.
I liked to romanticize it like he was my "Big" and I was his "Carrie"; the Black versions.

Since the trouble started for Mr. Goodbar, I haven’t been able to call him. He is no longer working and he changed his phone numbers.
Originally he told me that it wouldn’t be good for me to have his number because he didn’t want me to get caught up in his case or have my name or number come up during any pending investigations.
I understood… at that time, but as months passed and the spotlight seemed to be dimming on him, I wasn’t as understanding.
Our only means of correspondence was by him calling me from a private number or me emailing him, asking him to call.
I asked him why I wasn’t able to have his number and he gave me the same explanation.

I also began to notice that he would only call me while he was out, away from home. Once he arrived home, he’d wish me a good night.
I became increasingly suspicious and resentful.

I’ve been planning a birthday getaway to the Caribbean. For years, I’ve wanted to get away by myself, just me, myself and my thoughts. I don’t want to worry about girlfriends and whether they’re having a good time. I don’t want to have to follow their schedule or give in to what they want to do when I’d rather be doing something else. Most of all, I don’t want to worry about a man disappointing me, hurting me or just plain not making my birthday trip a special one. If I don’t have a good time, I have no one to blame but myself.

A lot of people have not been able to understand this and most men I know swear that I must be going with another guy. Mr. Goodbar is one of those men. When I told him that it was just me, myself and I, his response was, “Git da f*** outta heah!”
I assured him that it was the truth and it led to a discussion/debate about how I would feel if he announced he was going to the Caribbean by himself.
Knowing how I feel about getting away, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
I also would understand, considering his current situation, his need to get away by himself.
Plus, I don’t have any papers on Mr. Goodbar, so he could do whatever he wants… which he’s probably doing already.

His delicate ego was fractured and he told me that he needed to get off the phone. At that point I was disgusted and was more than willing to end the conversation.
I chuckled to myself as I thought about how he traveled all over the country and the world in his previous job.
He met celebrities and dignitaries, attended parties in the Hamptons, professional sporting events and entertainment awards ceremonies. I longed to be on his arm at some of these events, but I never cried about it.

I was understanding and patient when he was busy with work and couldn't talk, but since he's been out of work he hasn't been as considerate.
He called one evening while I was trying to negotiate an interview with a spoiled, self-absorbed artist that likes to beat up on stage crew (but I digress) and I didn't really have time to talk.
He accused me of being short, even rude with him.

In the past, I’ve invited him on trips that I was taking or events I was attending, but I would always get the same excuse that with the job he had, he couldn’t just drop everything and get away. I gave him six months notice for Jelly Bean’s wedding in Arizona, but I ended up traveling alone.
I also couldn’t understand how he could be upset about me taking a trip by myself when there is no clear definition of what our relationship is.

I didn’t hear from Mr. Goodbar for almost a week. I became increasingly angry and resentful and sent him an email telling him that we needed to talk.
He called two days later.
We chatted, had a little small talk and then he asked me what I wanted to talk about.

“I hope you receive everything I’m saying and that we can talk openly and honestly without any tension.”

“Sure,” He guaranteed, “What’s on your mind?”

“After I didn’t hear from you last week, I began to think a lot about us and what it is that we have and I really don’t know. What do we have? Where are we going?”

He began to tell me that because of everything he’s going through he doesn’t know what the future holds for him and that I have to be patient and if I can’t be patient, he’d understand if I wanted to walk away.

Wow.

I reminded him that I had distanced myself from him last year and he asked me not to give up on him. Shortly after that, all hell broke loose with his situation.

Then he took it to another level by saying that he needs people in his life who are supportive and that if I care about him I wouldn’t be asking such questions.
I assured him that I was supportive and that I truly do care about him.

That’s when he REALLY flipped it and said that if I care so much, how come I never once asked him if he needed anything or never asked if he needed help financially.

Double WOW.

He began to make me out to be some sort of selfish woman who he’s helped out many times and bailed me out of predicaments I was in with no question or hesitation.
He actually had me doubting myself for a minute.
It wasn’t until a couple of days later when I remembered the things I’d done for him and how I recently offered to include him on my cell phone plan and give him Hootie’s old number because Hootie was no longer on my plan.
Of course he declined my offer because that would mean that I would have access to his call records. He didn’t admit it, but I’m sure that was his primary reason for not accepting.
I’m not the type of person that keeps a tally of what I do for people I care about, so I had forgotten about the things I had done.

I told him that I have been going through some major financial issues and that was why I hadn’t offered any support to him.

“Even if you didn’t have it to give, you still could have extended the offer,” He countered.

Hunh?

Then he completely turned the interrogation lamp on me by questioning why I hadn’t told him what I was going through.

I told him that he had his own worries and I didn’t want to burden him with my problem.
That’s when he accused me of hiding things from him.

Amazing.

I could tell this conversation was going nowhere but down and that my attitude was tanking right along with it. I became very short with him and finished every sentence with his name, “Yes, Mark”, “No, Mark”, “I already told you that, Mark.”
It wasn’t looking good.

We ended the conversation with him telling me that he would leave it up to me to decide what I want and if I want to continue any sort of relationship with him.
What is there to continue? I haven’t seen him in eight months; I don’t have his phone number and can’t call him when I need to hear his voice. There’s really no future for us. Everything is fine as long as it’s on Mr. Goodbar’s terms… I can’t live like that.

I told him I would think about it and haven’t contacted him since.
Neither has he.